A Rather Strange and Embarassing Ordeal for Snape
by Lady Gwen
Summary: A certain pet shop owner from China Town pays a visit to Hogwarts and Snape is in charge of showing him around. PLEASE read the author's note first.


_Author's Note: _This fic came from a conversation I had had with one of my friends after reading an interview with J.K. Rowling. Someone asked her: "Why did you make Quirrell the bad guy instead of Snape?" She replied: "Because I know all about Snape, and he wasn't about to put on a turban." Which got us thinking: who would be capable of putting a turban on Snape and escaping relatively unscathed? And for some reason, Count D of _Petshop of Horrors_ was our solution.

I originally wasn't going to post this. I had written this for my friend as a joke, but I was re-reading it one night and thought 'why not?' This may or may not make you laugh, but hopefully it'll put a smile on your face. That said, enjoy.

I. Own. Nothing.

_A Rather Strange and Embarrassing Ordeal for Professor Snape_

OR

_Snape Really Does Look Rather Dashing in a Turban_

BY: Lady Gwen

It was a Wednesday at Hogwarts and as every student, teacher, ghost and copy of _The Invisible Book of Invisibility_ knew, that meant that the regular mundane routine was no different from that of Tuesdays and Thursdays. Sundays were beset by the regretful, dreadful knowledge of a new week about to start and (unless you were Hermione) a sudden panicking realization that you did not complete that 14" parchment essay on the ingredients of Wolfs Bane potion. Then Monday would come and after pointlessly announcing (either privately to yourself or to the world) that you hated Mondays the day began against your will.

But on this particular Wednesday, something was not quite right. No one could quite put their finger on it, but there was something in the air that spoke of impending doom; a dreaded foreboding that hung in the air like a hundred dementors.

At least for Severus Snape it did. The only problem was he did not know why.

He had fallen asleep in his office, a very unpleasant thing to do because as soon as he opened his eyes he was instantly reminded in his groggy haze that he had been grading third year papers. But there was something else…something that Dumbledore had mentioned yesterday, but what?

There came a sudden knock at the door. A soft knock to be honest, but to a man like Snape who was still making feeble (and pathetic) attempts to lift his head off the desk it was like a very loud and incessant woodpecker. And perhaps it was a woodpecker.

_It's a woodpecker_, Snape declared mentally and turned his face away from the door. _And if it doesn't stop in the next ten seconds I'm going to kill it._

"Is there anyone home?"

_A talking woodpecker. Splendid._

"Hey Mr. Snape are you in there? Dumbledore said you would be."

_How nice, the woodpecker knows my name, maybe I'll- wait, Dumbledore?_

And with effort, Snape managed to push himself off his desk and onto his feet. _This had better be important _he grumbled mentally and moved stiffly toward the door.

The man on the other side of the door smiled when the door opened and it was a playful yet mysterious smile. He was thin and about Snape's height and his eyes unmatched but not unattractive. He had black hair which hung almost identical to Snape's save that it wasn't greasy. Snape's eye twitched involuntarily and he held back a sneer with great effort. This man was…pretty.

"Ahh, so you were here after all. Good morning!" The man's voice was light, cheerful and to Snape's great annoyance, sing-songy.

"Who in the bloody hell are you?" Snape managed to speak with a mostly straight face although his lip did twitch a bit.

The man's eyes widened with surprise and his light, airy demeanor took on a somewhat indignant air. "Really! And I thought the British were supposed to be polite!"

This time Snape really did sneer and his eye twitched worse than before. "You came pounding on my door at the crack of dawn and woke me up from a rather pleasant dream. What do you expect me do, ask you in for tea?!"

If the man had been born with a tail, he would have been wagging it. "With sugar, please," he said, his tone cheerful once again.

"That…wasn't…an invite," Snape managed through clenched teeth. This man was really beginning to irritate him. "Look. Either tell me who you are or get out."

"D."

"…Dee?"

"No. Just D. I'm the owner of an exotic pet store in China Town. Didn't Dumbledore inform you about me?"

And in one snapping instant, Snape suddenly remembered the conversation he had had with Dumbledore the other day.

_"You asked for me, professor?"_

_"Ahh, yes Severus, there's something special I'd like to ask you to do_

_tomorrow. If you're not all too busy of course."_

_" What do you need?"_

_"There's a guest coming to Hogwarts tomorrow, the owner of rather unique pet _

_store from China Town. He came here searching for exotic animals and met _

_Hagrid. There's a possibility he might buy or sell to us, and I'd like it if you _

_could give him a tour around the castle."_

_"Wouldn't it be more appropriate sir, if Hagrid showed him around? Animals_

_are not my area of expertise."_

_"Hagrid needs the time it takes for someone to conduct a tour around Hogwarts _

_to get the creatures ready."_

_(An exasperated sigh) "Very well then._

"Is something the matter Mister Snape?"

"What? No. I just wasn't expecting you to be so…early. Come in."

He held the door open and D entered giving him a look that made his lip twitch. _This man better freakin' buy or sell something._ Bracing himself for the worst, Snape turned to offer tea, but stopped short at the sight of D holding a small feather duster, taking it over the table and chairs with vigor.

"That isn't…necessary."

But D ignored him, continuing with a look of such disgust that Snape was very tempted to wring his neck. "Filthy," he muttered to himself, "How does one teach children in such a dirty place?"

"I don't teach-"

"Papers everywhere, cobwebs-"

"I SAID THAT ISN'T NECESSARY!!"

And to Snape's great annoyance the shop keeper didn't even flinch, but merely looked up with a look of disapproval that would have rivaled the one that Mrs. Weasley often gave to her children.

"Mr. Snape I'm disappointed in you. You're a teacher aren't you?"

Snape snarled. "You're supposed to-"

"How can you possibly teach children in such a filthy room?"

"This is my office!"

"Well why didn't you say so in the first place?" The look of disapproval melted and D pocketed the duster.

Snape sighed exasperatedly, covering his face with his hand. "Let's get down to business," he said after composing himself. "Can I get you some tea?"

The only response D gave was a face lit up like a kid's in a candy store and a very eager nod. And rolling his eyes, Snape pulled out his wand from his robes and set to work making what apparently was the pet keeper's favorite beverage.

When the tea was finished D accepted the cup with an eagerness that made Snape want to strangle him, held the cup to his lips carefully…and immediately spat the tea out.

"Now what?!" Snape yelled.

D made a face. "It's not sweet."

"It's tea. It isn't _supposed_ to be sweet!!"

"What kind of weird tea do you drink?"

"Alright! Alright! Here's the sugar." And with effort Snape managed to let go of his hair while D happily dumped about 12 spoonfuls into his cup.

When the ordeal was over, Snape settled into the chair across from D, watching with disgust as the man drunk the tea without once removing his lips from the cup.

"Ah, that was refreshing," he said handing the cup back to Snape who took one look at the sugar clumped in the bottom and hurled it with a force against the wall.

D sighed wistfully. "Tsk tsk, such a temper. Mister Snape you really should-" but the pet owner stopped short when he saw the look of rage in his host's face. "Shall we get on to business, then?"

_Finally _thought Snape sourly, and managed to relax somewhat. He stood and with a quick flick of his wand and a muttered _Evanesco _cleaned up the broken tea cup.

He turned toward the door, and motioned for D to follow. _There's no way, I'm taking this guy on a tour of the entire castle. Dumbledore can do that himself, _thought Snape sourly.

Snape walked down the hallway with a quickened pace, and to his relief the pet shop owner not only followed, but was silent as well. That is until they just so happened to walk pass a recent staff picture that hung on the wall.

"Hey, Mister. What is this?"

Almost. They had _almost _made it out of the castle. Fists clenched, Snape turned stiffly to the effeminate man.

"Hogwarts staff. Taken two months ago," he replied curtly.

"Oh how pleasant," D chirped, smiling simultaneously with Snape's sneer. "Who are they?"

"I just told you. Now shut up and follow."

"Mr. Snape, in case you forgot, I am here to possibly purchase some exotic pets from Hogwarts, and I insist on being given a thorough tour of the castle."

And doing his best to keep his hands away from his wand, Snape gestured to and named each individual in the picture.

"Why is Professor Quirrel the only teacher wearing a turban?"

_Because he's twit with no fashion sense._ "How the bloody hell should I know?"

D didn't respond, much less take note of the snappish way the Potion Master had said it. He continued to stare at the picture like some one observing some great piece of art work, and it was at that moment that Snape's suspicions began to arise. And for good reason too, because the pet keeper suddenly had a rather ingenious idea. Well…ingenious to himself of course, because Snape certainly wasn't going to find it so.

"What are you staring at me like that for?" he snapped.

"You know, Mr. Snape, you would look really splendid in a turban."

Snape's eye twitched uncontrollably. "Say that again and I'll wring your neck."

"In fact…" and before another word could be spoken, the pet keeper had produced from somewhere in his clothes a strip of white cloth about 2 inches wide.

Face contorted with both disgust and annoyance, Snape backed away as D advanced holding the cloth before him.

"What are you doing? Get away from- " Snape's words cut off as the pet keeper leapt upon him and the two wrestled on the ground.

Five minutes later, the wrestling ceased and there stood Snape, wearing a turban and looking like a volcano about to erupt.

D looked at his handy-work with a satisfied grin. "I was right! You _do_ look splendid in a turban, Mr. Snape."

What happened next would be remembered by everyone who was there…which was basically Mrs. Norrington and Crookshanks who even after such a spectacle still retained their rather disinterested countenances.

Without either lifting his head or speaking a word, Snape grabbed his wand, pointing it at the pet keeper.

"Hey, are you sure that's safe?"

"Get. Out," was all Snape could manage through clipped teeth.

"Really Mister, lighten-"

And then the volcano erupted. Snape advanced as the pet keeper backed away, eyes slightly widened with surprise. "OUT!" Snape exploded. "OUT! OUT! OUT! OUT!"

And in this manner the two walked out of the castle. D backing away and Snape advancing forward with his wand outstretched. The pet keeper left and turning sharply on his heel, Snape stormed back to his office ignoring the odd stares and occasional questioning voice.

And he was almost there when the voice Hagrid stopped him.

"What the blazes are yeh doin' Professor Snape?"

"Taking a walk," was the curt reply.

"Where's that Exotic Pets character? Aren't yeh supposed to be givin' him a tour?"

Snape turned, glaring at the grounds keeper. "He abruptly had to leave."

Hagrid grinned widely and struggled not to laugh. "Hey are yeh wearing-"

"Don't. Say. It."

_THE END_


End file.
